Bakemonogatari is the worst anime I have ever watched in my entire life

I’ve been an anime fan for a long time. I’ve seen countless shows, OVA’s and movies. As such, I’ve seen a boatload of shitty garbage. But none other have yet to trounce this atrocity that I have just watched.

Now, you might be thinking “But Bakemonogatari isn’t bad! It has great animation, a unique plot, is really popular and has sold record breaking amounts of copies in japan! You’re over reacting.”

I’m not going to fault people for enjoying this show. It has aspects that aim to capture a broad number of anime watchers. But I’d like to break this series down so that everyone can understand why exactly I think this show is the most wretched thing since that new no-name moé anime airing next week.

Lets get down to the basic plot. Nisio Isin throws us right in the beginning of an arc of an already ongoing story. Koyomi Araragi has had previously been turned into a vampire. Now his everyday life has gone back to normal as he is slowly regaining his humanity. He is currently 1/10th vampire. One day at school, he sees a girl falling off the balcony. He ends up catching the girl in his arms. This girl is Hitagi Senjōgahara. She has been possessed by a crab apparition, who has cursed her to weightlessness. Araragi introduces her to Meme Oshino who specializes in dealing with apparitions. Senjougahara’s problem is fixed and her and Araragi begin a somewhat awkward relationship. Araragi ends up helping other people cursed by apparitions throughout the duration of the series.

No, the general synopsis actually sounds pretty decent. Unfortunately, every single other aspect of the series is what turns this decent-sounding story into pure shit as it tries to cater towards Japanese otaku in a subtle, yet vastly blunt spaghetti pile full of tropes and fetishes under the false disguise of actual storytelling.

Characters


Koyomi Araragi
Araragi is the protagonist of the show. He is 1/10th vampire and gets the shit beaten out of him on a few occasions. He is your typical anime nice guy, underdog, highschool student, you name it. Japanese men ages 16-21 year olds can associate with him, 21-30+ year olds wish they could be him. He is always under a lot of [sexual] pressure from his peers, as they are all girls. Of course, he always turns their advances down as he is loyal to Senjougahara for whatever reason. Despite Senjougahara threatening his life and being all-around abusive to Araragi, he seems to look past every inch of abuse and continues to try and court her. Or maybe it’s the other way around. He is hinted at being somewhat of a lolicon and a hypocrite when it comes to incest.


Hitagi Senjōgahara
Meet Anime Stereotype #2. And the first in the list of otaku fetish stereotypes. Senjougahara is a cold and verbally abusive girl towards even the man she loves. She’s the epitome of Tsundere (or Kūdere, if you want to be specific). Her hobbies include cock teasing Araragi and initiating boring convoluted conversations that last for whole episodes at a time that end up just being about Araragi’s virginity or some shit. You can see her mouth in action in this dramatic interpretation.

Mayoi Hachikuji
Anime Stereotype #3. Hachikuji is a tsundere loli wondering spirit. She does nothing but fight with Araragi and give him streetside info. She’s kind of like a drug dealer. But instead of drugs she deals information and free molestation, as she gets molested by Araragi on a regular basis.

Suruga Kanbaru
Kanbaru is Otaku Fetish Stereotype #4. She’s the lesbian who wants your cock. In fact, she barely does anything lesbian-esque in the whole show. All she does is lust over Araragi’s cock the whole time. She ends up beating the shit out of Araragi on two occasions since she is in love with Senjougahara. This violence is unwarranted however, and the whole reasoning behind her motives is autistic as fuck.


Nadeko Sengoku
Sengoku is loli #2 electric boogaloo. Sengoku is a shy loli who wants Araragi to be an older brother to her, but really she just wants his dick. She is cursed by a snake apparition that ends up giving her bruises resembling BSDM rope bruises. When Araragi goes to exorcise her, the choice of clothing for Sengoku is a middle school swimsuit, as to show a considerable amount of skin. The process ends up putting Sengoku in several highly suggestive positions, facial expressions, and moaning noises to complete the greasy fantasy that gets Otaku off.


Tsubasa Hanekawa
Hanekawa is the geeky girl next door turned cat girl stereotype. She wants Araragi’s dick more than any of the other girls combined. So much that she’ll turn into a murderous cat girl titty monster to get what she wants. Her stress levels bring the catgirl apparition out, suggesting she needs a good hot dicking. She is almost as much WORDS as Senjougahara, however she is ten times more likable. In her special BD opening, she gets raped by hands. DEEP.

Well now that the characters are out of the way, lets go onto the other parts of the show.

The animation is fucking amazing. Too bad there barely is any animation. Most of the show is just a bunch of standstill frames, mixed with animation number scenes.

These animation number scenes show up every five fucking seconds in this show. It’s meant to draw an artistic atmosphere, but really it’s just lazy as fuck.

At least there’s variety in the colors.

After all of this, I don’t know what else I can complain about. On top of the show pandering towards the broad spectrum of otaku fetishes, it’s incredibly boring. I’m sure fans of the show can reach into it and dig out some further meaning to a number of the things in this show, but to someone who has grown tired of the constant bastardization of proper storytelling and characterization in anime, this was worse than a disappointment. I really can’t see how Nisio Isin wrote this mess and then went on to write Katanagatari, which was wonderful. You could literally read Ctrl Alt Delete and gain the same experience from watching Bakemonogatari.

So Gru gives Bakemonogatari a NONE out of 5

Time to drag myself through Nisemonogatari.

20 Comments

Filed under Anime, Review, Sex

20 responses to “Bakemonogatari is the worst anime I have ever watched in my entire life

  1. Marksman

    There’s no way you can make a character that can break any stereotype that created nowadays,all you can do is mixes 5-6 different stereotype and it will be confirmed as original,but still have the aspects of it’s former stereotypes………

  2. Laasch

    Im not a fanatic of bakemono series but i rather give it a 3 out of 5,0 is too overated,its like give a 10 thousand for those shitty adam sandler movies.

  3. Prowler

    Bakemonogatari is the best!The reason I believe this series is so good is because it reflects so many things, romance, animation, dialogues, mysteries, characters to almost complete perfection. There are even things that I normally wouldn’t enjoy in series that I actually enjoyed in this one (Fanservice etc.). Many would say that harem could be labeled on this series however I disagree, as there are many romantic interest in the series it is not focal enough to be called a “harem”. so if you hate bakemonogatari go fuck a cow.

    • Pochi_V3

      Ummm… how would you even define Harem then? Because according to its very definition used to categorize anime. It would seem that Bakemonogatari is in fact a Harem.
      When you mean “it is not focal enough” do you mean how most if not all the girls vie the adoration of the main character?
      Or take it this way, the main character has sexual attractions to all the female characters.
      It’s a harem. Just because it has more colors than a normal anime doesn’t excuse it as such.

    • I’ve got nothing against you if you like the series, but I completely fail to see what’s great about the characters. I mean to make a good character you have to put more than just interesting dialouge. You’ve gotta give them a real purpose to the overrall story, and development.

  4. Americano Gosling

    Your Review was briliantly…..Sucked!

  5. Clinton WTF

    Im Gonna kick yer ass……….

  6. Dogman

    No Wonder you only get 7 follower…..

  7. WTFRUSIA

    Fantasticly good…..amn awful review.

  8. Noah

    its not soemthing i like simply because its heavily based on dialouge rather than actual events … as in 90% of the series is dialouges while the rest is some events …
    perhaps it has its audience … but im dinifntly not one of them …

  9. Hilariously, I found this while looking for feminists who’ve seen the series, as I find it fascinatingly the most misogynistic and female-positive show in existence and wanted to see women with a certain social filter weigh in on it. I didn’t even consider the possibility that someone would be bored by it. Anyway, yeah, I guess I can kind of see that for quite a few anime fans, now that I think of it… Weird.

    I love it, but I also devour Murakami novels.

    • Interesting. I haven’t looked at it that way. Why misogynistic?

    • Dim Randall

      Well if you’d love to see women in equal footing both in strength and power with men, may I suggest reading Gintama.
      Most of the Gintama female characters break the known tropes of women in the media. Also its quite a great series.

  10. Pochi_V3

    I gotta admit the storytelling was the worst I have ever seen. It was actually painful to watch this series and Nisemonogatari too because of the very annoying editing and the art style. The art looks great as a still frame (painting). But as an animation it hurts the eyes.
    It was like watching someone who has ADHD trying to tell a story with pictures. No two screens are the same in one scene. In one second the building is blue in the next its red. It just agitates me. It’s like its forsaking dialogue for trying to be “artsy”.

    And when you do listen to the dialogue its becomes a borderline Harem anime.
    I concur with your review and I think its one of the worst animes I’ve seen.
    Katanagatari on the other had was BRILLIANT

    • Disgraceunderpressure

      First of all, if you hated the Bakemono, why did you watch Nisemono? If you can’t keep up with the it, then it’s not for you. I personally really enjoyed the monogatari series. It’s dialogue is the strongest point of the anime. Being witty, funny, creative and entertaining. It is a Harem, there’s no doubt about that, because I enjoy it. This anime has huge fanservice. The storytelling is brilliant, and always has a nice twist. Although it does have some flaws, please don’t shit on it.

      • Pochi_v3

        I decided to watch Nisemonogatari hoping that the art style changed and at least told a decent story but alas they stayed with the same art style.
        I love Nisio Isin’s work as a storyteller but hate the director Akiyuki Shinbo (who seems to disregard the source material and create something else entirely)

        For example, Nisekoi has just started to air (you might like it since its directed and animated by the same group who had done the Monogatari series). But to those who have read the manga the anime seemed to be a different being entirely. Gone was the feeling of romance and comedy through tsukkomi’s and instead it is replaced with shiny flashes of low quality CGI backgrounds to “wow” the audience.

        As the author had written, Katanagatari was beautiful in terms of story and art and was not handled by the same director who had done the Monogatari series.

  11. Okay am I the only one who realized that this show’s kinda sexist? I mean think about it. The anime shows that if a guy helps out some girls, they become obsessed with him and most of their roles just include talking about him or whatever. the protagonist never changes, the other characters kinda have depth but act like it’s nothing, nor do they almost never play any major role other than being a little better versions of princess peach.

  12. Nihilore

    I love this review, i find it hard to put into words why i think this is the worst anime series i have ever seen, but you managed to do it for me, i seriously can’t understand the love for this show, it’s fucking terrible

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